Bird on the beach

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?" "A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When thePolice asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. Iwas lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here." Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck,cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

How long do we have?

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?
"The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours.
The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?
"The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?
"The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half."
The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said,
"Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?
"Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

Don't Laugh

"Don't laugh!" said Ed, the patient.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said.
"I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop histrousers,
revealing the tiniest 'woo-ha' the doctor had ever seen.
It wasn't any bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling,
and then fell laughing to the floor.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet
and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am.
I don't know what came over me.
On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman,
I promise itwon't happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ed replied.